Once we learn that we are free to be who we really are (and that the decision to do so has always been ours to make), it is equally important to realize that we cannot be all things to all people. In fact, it is humanly impossible and utterly absurd to take on the weight of that responsibility. No one’s shoulders can carry that oversized burden, so why should we try? Perhaps too many of us have taken the lyrics of Alicia Keyes’ song, Superwoman, literally and have gotten others to join in the hype: “’Cause I am a superwoman, yes I am. (Yes she is.) Still when I’m a mess, I still put on a vest with an ‘S’ on my chest. Oh yes, I’m a superwoman.” I used to think that I had to be that woman because it was expected of me, but the truth made me free!
Since I cannot be all things to all people, I do not have to pretend to be someone or something that I am not for the sake of pleasing people. Let’s take this truth a step further. When we stand before God to give an account for our lives and the gifts He gave us, do you think that our husbands (for those of us who are married), significant others, children, family, church members, co-workers, friends or foes will stand to answer for us? The answer is emphatically NO! The bottom line is our life is not about pleasing people, but about pleasing God.
In the early days of ministry, I was enamored, enthralled, and yet obstructed and overwhelmed, by the expectations and the role of a pastor’s wife. Who was she, and what was she to do? There was no list of responsibilities or job description given, so I was left to discover the answer to those questions and more to follow by observing other women in my community who fit the description in the midst of balancing the roles of marriage, motherhood, and ministry. That was during a time when I thought I had to be Superwoman to meet the expectations of others. I imposed unrealistic, unhealthy expectations on myself until I had a series of epiphanies that would cause me to think and act differently for the sake of my own spiritual, mental/emotional and physical health and wellbeing.
Women from all socio-economic walks of life are meandering in a malaise of mistreatment of their own body, mind, and spirit because others’ needs and expectations have, for far too long, taken precedence over their own. For that reason, many suffer from physical illness, emotional burnout and mental exhaustion, particularly in the African-American community as women have had to take on the enormity of responsibilities both in and outside of the home, out of necessity, without managing their life and time properly, scheduling annual check-ups with a physician or receiving professional therapy/counseling when needed. The personal pursuit of holistic health and wholeness has never been placed on the “to-do list” of priorities.
Some would argue that putting one’s own needs ahead of others is selfish and unbiblical. I strongly disagree. Jesus tells us to love our neighbor as we love ourselves in the gospels of Matthew, Mark and Luke. We can surmise from this admonition that we cannot adequately love and care for our neighbor unless we have first learned how to love and care for ourselves. Loving our neighbor does not mean that we are to become a door mat to be used at their discretion. There is another side of love, often referred to as tough love, that may be needed so that we do not become people pleasers or enablers.
One simple word that must become a regular part of our vocabulary in order to avoid a people pleasing personality is, “no.” To become comfortable with using this word and really meaning it, practice saying it in the mirror if necessary while paying attention to body language and voice inflections. Others will be able to tell if we are serious when we respond to them based on how this simple word is communicated, and whether or not we back up our response with our intended display of tough love. Our goal is not to please people, but to please our audience of one—God.
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